Saturday: This is a devastating time. The Vord at the board has been forced to leave Countdown. All I have left is memories of student days waiting to hear Whitely's terrible jokes, and to see Carol. Having once unsuccessfully auditioned for the show (a truly terrible performance which would have shamed the great show), it is going to take some time for me to overcome this gargantuan loss. Showers.

Sunday: In fact, I have an illustrious past on TV, from a cameo role in the Really Wild Show to a speaking part on Question Time. I only put my hand up to get on TV, and didn't really have much to add to the discussion. The crowning glory was an appearance on the Weakest Link. Unfortunately, dazzling wit and great conversation with Anne get you nowhere when you don’t know any of the answers to the questions. Rainy spells.

Monday: To recover from the Countdown bombshell, I'm off on holiday for three weeks. But don't worry weather fans, you will not miss me. I shall be reporting direct from the French Riviera, spouting wisdom from the Spanish coast, and musing about not a lot while sipping a cocktail in the Mediterranean. Expect bright sunshine weather forecasts and tales of sangria-fuelled high jinks. Windy.