Saturday: It seems Lee “The Apprentice” McQueen ran into a little bit of trouble on his first day with Sir Alan. He was apparently unable to work due to a small stomach problem. Far be it for me to take enjoyment in the misfortune of others, but perhaps it was something he ate. Maybe a plate of sugar paper and some humble pie. Hat’s what I’m talking about. Showers.

Sunday: In a black hole in the television schedule, I found myself watching the latest series of Big Brother. The Geordie announcer revealed to the world: “5.15pm, some of the housemates are in the house”. I should hope so! If they are not in the house, shouldn’t the public have been given fair warning to hide while these morons are on the loose? If only some are in the house, where are the others? Showers.

Next week: I’m in a bad mood this week, mainly due to a career-threatening injury. I had a sore leg for a few days, and I’ll have to retired from the professional football career I so nearly started. Only problem was, nobody ever asked me to play. I could have filled a hole on the left wing for England, or played upfront with Owen, but I was mysteriously overlooked every time. Shame. Showers.